Pork rinds... for MOM!!

I'm done shopping. Even if I run out of toilet paper, I'm done with stores for the season.

During this season of generosity and goodwill, I think if I hear Johnny Mathis singing "Sleigh Ride" again I'll take hostages. If any materialistic, consumerist advice-giver tries to pry me away from home, hearth, and family in the next five days, they may need surgery to remove something large and oddly shaped from their abdominal cavity. I cannot predict exactly how it will find its way in. If during this time of love and family togetherness I have to wander around another retail outlet I haven't entered since last Christmas looking for some holiday "necessity," I'll be carrying a large knife and wearing a smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes.

Now, I'll be over in the corner reading to my kids and sipping my codeine-laced cough syrup.